‘Whataboutism’ makes the internet exhausting. Why people think this way

Many social media users get hurt or enraged when their lives aren’t reflected in the content in their feeds. (Photo Illustration by Jason Lancaster/CNN/Getty Images via CNN Newsource)

Scrolling on TikTok during a break one day, I watched a content creator named Kara make a vegan bean soup recipe to boost her iron levels during her menstrual period.

“All my anemic girlies this one is for you,” the young woman from central Florida, who goes by her first name online, wrote in the caption.

Many people liked and commented positively on her video, but others had questions: “What if I don’t like beans?” and “Can I substitute the beans with something else?”

Um … what? I wondered why they didn’t just look for a different recipe.

Welcome to the strange phenomenon of people expressing anger or helplessness to online content creators or writers who don’t acknowledge their specific lifestyles or limitations.

“This is something that has always existed but has been very much exacerbated by social media and accelerated rather intensely in … recent years,” said Dr. Jessica Maddox, an associate professor of entertainment and media studies at the University of Georgia.

Those comments on Kara’s August 2023 video made it go viral and gave the behaviour its trendy “bean soup theory” nickname that’s still frequently lobbed and discussed today. The attitude is also referred to as “whataboutism” or “what about me-ism.” (Kara didn’t respond to my request for comment.)

“It’s normal for us to have egocentric processing, to filter the world through our own experiences,” said Micheline Maalouf, a Florida-based licenced mental health counselor and content creator with more than 1 million followers on TikTok.

But people shouldn’t stop there, experts said — so unpacking other psychological, emotional and technological factors that limit critical thinking and empathy is important.

Moments of strange outrage

A woman named Daisey posted on X (formerly Twitter) about a morning ritual she and her husband enjoy together, sharing that “my husband and i wake up every morning and bring our coffee out to our garden and sit and talk for hours. every morning. it never gets old & we never run out of things to talk to. love him so much.”

I loved that for her! Many other people, however, did not. “I hope you know how privileged that sounds. I bet most people have sacred things but aren’t as lucky,” one person replied.

“Lovely intention,” someone else responded. “But when I read it, I felt cringe as well. Not cuz she’s living her best life with her love … but (unintentionally) coming off to the (rightfully) bitter ppl who (a) don’t have gardens which can be extremely therapeutic.”

Daisey caught so much heat and sparked such widespread discourse that she deleted her post. (She didn’t respond to my request for comment.)

Maalouf, the mental health counselor, has also faced criticism over her social media posts, she said. She posted videos on using sour candy or spicy food to shorten a panic attack since the activation of your digestive system can signal to your nervous system that you’re not in danger. Some people with diabetes replied that they couldn’t eat those foods because of their illness.

“I was shocked,” Maalouf said. “I assumed people would just know that that video wasn’t for them.” When she suggested they try salt packets instead, a different person said they have high blood pressure. (Maalouf generally no longer engages with those types of comments.)

Sometimes comments such as these are “using the creators as Google,” said Sarah Lockwood, a content creator in New York City. And they may be assuming from just one video that the creator’s usual content is offering recipes for anemic people, so of course the creator would have alternatives in mind — rather than understanding the author just randomly shared something that improved their life. The people who didn’t like beans simply could have Googled “iron-rich soup recipes.”

‘A break in the system’

Maddox sees “bean soupification” as partly caused by the messy combination of American individualism and personalized social media algorithms.

“That’s the business model,” she said. When some people encounter content they don’t resonate with, they get irrationally angry because “it’s kind of a break in the system,” Maddox added. They perceive the difference as wrong instead of just not for them.

Temilola Adeoye, a comedian, writer and content creator in New York City, attributes this behaviour to shortcomings in intellect and literacy — or to a desire to have one’s intellect validated by others.

“You learn how to make an inference in, like, third or fourth grade,” Adeoye said in a recent TikTok. And “being pedantic is not the same thing as being intelligent.”

“As a kid, I did this too, and a lot of people did this, where you correct the teacher or someone just to prove that you’re intelligent,” Adeoye told CNN. It’s “the behaviour that eventually you grow out of, where someone’s like, ‘The sky is blue,’ and then an 8-year-old would be like, ‘Well, what about when it rains? Sometimes it’s gray.’”

Speaking of age, “we forget how many social media users are, like, 11,” Lockwood said. “It’s easy to assume that everyone commenting is an adult.”

Viewing general media through personal filters

The COVID-19 pandemic also shares some of the blame. That’s not just because of the extreme isolation and reliance on technology but also because of the important cultural discussions that occurred during that time regarding race relations, policing, workplace issues, sexual violence and more.

Now that many governments, educational institutions and companies have walked back those actions, there remain real, longstanding problems that leave many people feeling unseen and helpless — which they may be holding ordinary creators responsible for by asking, “What about me?” Some social media users may also have a skewed sense of when principles of inclusion, for example, should be applied to certain content.

And even when there actually are ways one can make positive change in their own community, some people prefer to attack strangers online, Maddox said.

Many “have experienced genuine invalidation throughout their life” in various ways, Maalouf said. So they scan for every indication that they’re being excluded, unhealthily coping to feel seen and in control of their circumstances.

There are of course also individuals who are just narcissistic, selfish and virtue-signaling under the guise of concern, sources said. Some people are impatient and impulsive, commenting before they have even watched or read the whole post, Maalouf added. Other times, they have fully engaged but still take offence.

Either of those scenarios may have occurred when I published a story last summer on a decline in effort some people think they owe their friends. One example of that deterioration was withdrawal from commitments for trivial reasons, and I included advice for how people can do better. Some commenters implied I lacked compassion and shared that episodes of chronic illness or social anxiety prevent them from following through with commitments — though I had written that serious extenuating circumstances are the only good excuses for cancelling last minute.

Another important culprit is the assumption that a creator’s intention behind not mentioning certain exceptions was antagonistic or exclusionary. Why do people assume a creator’s advice is for everyone? And why don’t they give authors the benefit of the doubt and think, “Of course she’s not saying my chronic illness isn’t a good excuse to back out of a commitment?” Or “I’m sure this therapist wouldn’t want people with diabetes to eat candy and be harmed?”

Some people are quick to assume the worst of others but not themselves, Adeoye said.

“If someone else misspoke, they are a cruel and bad and uncaring person. But if you misspoke, you’re just trying your best and you made a mistake and you can’t be held responsible,” she said.

Critics also don’t consider that creators may have the same circumstances they accuse them of neglecting. When Adeoye made a video about working hard, someone commented that they can’t do that because they have ADHD — meanwhile, Adeoye, too, has ADHD.

“A lot of people feel that their identity makes them an expert on a specific experience,” she said.

The impact of ‘what about me-ism’

In early meetings for Maddox’s next book, her literary agent called her out for always hedging her arguments and making her claims smaller, she recalled. Maddox and other creators said that egocentric backlash makes them do much more mental labor around how they communicate.

“It ruins people’s ability to get streamlined information, or even entertainment,” she added.

Additionally, algorithms don’t reward creators who make longer-form content that allows for the nuance some viewers demand, Adeoye said. These systems predominantly elevate short-form content in which creators must speak quickly and concisely to get high engagement — limiting those who might opt for this form to make a living.

“It’s extremely hard to do both things at once,” Adeoye added.

This preemptive caretaking also prevents people from growing out of egocentric thinking. And because online hypersensitivity probably doesn’t stop when you turn your phone off, that’s creating a more hostile and individualistic world, Maddox said. “The internet is not as separate from the offline as we think it is,” she added.

How to broaden your perspective

If you are routinely offended while online, you may need to spend more time out in the real world where you can interact with a variety of people.

Back in your internet bubble, there are questions you should ask yourself before lobbing criticism online: Did I watch or read the content in full? Am I assuming the worst or that this author is unaware of something before I’ve checked out their other content? Would I say this to their face?

Or am I just feeling jealous, powerless or upset about my problems? What could this post teach me about others? How can I find a solution for me? Are there valuable bits in this content for me or others?

If there are more serious issues or traumas causing you to feel easily triggered while online, you can limit your exposure to triggering content by blocking certain keywords or muting accounts. Also consider working with a therapist or building a community you feel supported by, Maalouf said.

Somatic therapy may be useful because it helps patients understand their physical state in emotionally heightened moments, allowing them to reflect and respond rather than explode, Maalouf said.

Becoming more open-minded instead of nitpicking other people’s posts all the time can be beneficial for you, too. You might feel less self-critical and even happier, more relaxed and more empathetic. And you may find more mental space for the things that actually matter in life.

“One of the great things about the world is that we are all so different,” Maddox said. “It would be boring if everybody liked the same things as you.”

“I know it sounds very elementary school,” she added. “But I think it’s a lesson we all need to go back to a little bit, honestly, if we want to have a little bit of a nicer internet.”

By Kristen Rogers, CNN