‘Happiness and grief can coexist’; Windsor widow reflects on 20th anniversary of husband’s line of duty death

Windsor is mourning the 20th anniversary of police officer John Atkinson; the first officer killed in the line of duty in the city’s history.

Senior Const. John Atkinson, 37, was killed May 5, 2006, after intervening in a suspected drug deal.

“It feels like yesterday. And then it feels like a lifetime,” Shelley Atkinson told CTV News on Monday.

IN PICTURES: Remembering Const. John Atkinson

At the time, John Atkinson was working undercover in anti-terrorism.

He had stopped at a gas station just five blocks from home at the end of his shift when he saw two young men involved in a drug deal.

Atkinson showed his Windsor police badge and was killed for it.

In the days, weeks, months and years that followed, Shelley Atkinson has had to navigate her personal tragedy and grief in a very public way because of the high-profile nature of her husband’s death.

And yet, she says talking about him is the easiest part.

“Talking about John is probably the easiest topic,” Atkinson said. “I know John has died, and I know John has passed, and I know he’s never coming back. But when you bring up a story or feel like you want to share something with me about him, you’re bringing him back to us. Because if you forget … I’m losing him twice.”

Atkinson credits family and friends for becoming her support system, both in the short and long term.

“It takes a village, and I definitely used that village,” she said. “And I always told my kids we will never, ever be victims. We will be survivors.”

Her children were young when their father died. Today, they are adults with full lives of their own.

“May is a tough month for me,” Atkinson said, noting it includes the anniversary of John’s death, one of her children’s birthdays, Mother’s Day, John’s birthday and their anniversary.

She also credits SOLE (Survivors of Law Enforcement), an organization she joined in 2011, with being a lifeline by connecting her with others facing similar tragedies.

“I chose to be better, not bitter. I chose not to let this define us. I chose not to be a victim, but a survivor,” Atkinson said.

The family will attend a private ceremony Tuesday at Windsor Police Headquarters, where Atkinson will be posthumously honoured with a Governor General’s Exemplary Service Medal.

She will then travel Wednesday to Cobourg for the funeral of Sgt. Brandon Malcolm, who was killed on Highway 401 on April 27.

Atkinson has already connected with Malcolm’s widow and promised to support her through the difficult days, weeks, months and years ahead.

“Does it get easier? I say no, it doesn’t get easier. It gets more bearable. It has taught me that happiness and grief can coexist,” Atkinson said.

“When he died, I remember saying, ‘I’m going to do this with grace, dignity and pride.’ Twenty years later, I think I succeeded.”